After divorce, all children learn different tasks as they go through
developmental stages and Pfeffer (1981) has stated that a period of grief by
the child can be expected. She also said that after separation and divorce,
the growth of the child's personality may be promoted when the parents become
more proficient role models and ego supporters of the child. Hirsch (1983)
suggested that there are books written for children of divorce and if read
with the child
by parents, teachers, or other grown-ups, they would encourage open discussions
by the children. Following is a short summary of Wong's (1995) six
developmental tasks that the younger children must learn: 1)to understand the
immediate changes and the differences in fantasy and reality, 2) to control
their fears of abandonment or being put in a foster home and never seeing their
other parent again, 3) to show their interest in and provide help to parents
and siblings, 4) to get focused on something besides the divorce and getting
back to their own interests, pleasures, and relationships, 5)to deal with
rejection and blame for the divorce, and 6) to deal with the loss of the intact
family and the absent parent. She said that the fifth task is made easier if
good relationships remain with both parents. The sixth task is the most
difficult task, according to her studies, because those two things are the most
valuable to the child.
I think that death and divorce are nearly synonymous in the eyes of a child. The
only thing that will ever overcome death and divorce is believing in the Light
that keeps shining in the dark. Pheffer (1981) has stated that children view
divorce in three different ways; permanent, total, or partial separation from
at least one parent. Wong (1995) has also given seven psychological
developmental tasks for children after divorce and the first two, which must be
dealt with at the beginning of the divorce proceeding, are understanding the
divorce and not letting it be the main focus for young children and
adolescents. She said the next five tasks which must be dealt with within the
first few months for both young children and adolescents are dealing with loss,
dealing with anger, working out guilt, accepting the permanence of divorce, and
taking a chance on love.
Social Development
Kelly (1981) said that positive adjustment and social relations, especially in
boys, comes from the frequent availability of the father, unless the father is
immature or extremely poorly adjusted or the child is exposed to post-divorce
conflicts between the parents. Ongoing family conflict, according to Wong
(1995), is related to problems of social development, emotional stability, and
cognitive skills for the child. Forgatch, Patterson, and Skinner (1988, p.
141) have said that it is assumed by society that the process of socializing
the child starts in the home because "pro-social [behavior] and inadvertently,
deviant behavior" are included in the basic training by parents and both occur
during the child's development. These researchers have studied family
processes over two decades, focusing on families with antisocial children and
"have conducted treatment studies" by teaching parents "four family management
skills", such as "monitoring, positive parenting, discipline, and problem
solving," which accomplishes change in the child's behavior (p. 141). Also, a
"key mechanism determining" the child's "antisocial behavior" is discipline (p.
141).
Wong (1995) said that many studies have shown that divorce has profound effects
on children and the long-term studies show that they "suffer for years from
psychological and social difficulties associated with continuing and/or new
stresses in the post-divorce family," which causes them greater anxiety when
they are forming lasting relationships as young adults (pp. 93-94). She
reported also that more recent studies have shown that children of all age
groups have major disruptions in their lives due to divorce, which is contrary
to earlier studies that claimed that younger children were impacted more than
older children. Roman and Haddad (1978) have said that in social and cognitive
development there will be a wide range of disruptions in children. They also
said that children do not function well when they are bounced back and forth
like a yo-yo because it is confusing to them having cloths, toys, and books
left at the other parent's house.
Positive Effects of Divorce on Children
The report of Pfeffer (1981) noted that there could be positive benefits for
the child after divorce, if the child is freed from a violent atmosphere
present when the parents were together. Wong (1995) has commented that most
studies stressed the negative effects of divorce on youngsters but there are
some positive outcomes of divorce to be reported as well. She said, too, that
a few positive outcomes are an increase in maturity and independence, as well
as the increased commitment to maintaining relationships. She noted that
studies have shown that post-divorce families and single parent or
reconstructed families can be successful in improving the quality of life for
both adults and children by reducing an environment of conflict.
Doob (1994) has said that after being removed from a disturbing parent the
children prefer the time after the divorce to the time within the intact family
before the divorce, because they said that it is a relief to have no more
fighting. The space provided by the separation of the parents enables the
older adolescents to develop an emotional detachment from the family and to
begin the normal development tasks for an adolescent which is individualization
(Wong, 1995). Hirsch (1983) agreed that there is a time of "emotional divorce
during the period preceding the divorce and [she] feels that divorce will
improve rather than worsen a difficult situation for children" (p.72).
Continuing to support the positive effects of divorce on children Hirsch said
that divorce is a preferred alternative to an unhappy marriage.
Anderson and Anderson (1981) have stated that children can grow healthy in many
types of situations if the three following conditions are met: first, the basic
needs for the children must be met, such as, love and physical care,
understanding, discipline and safety; second, the children need a sense of
belonging or being able to say, this is my own family where I am an important
and special person; and finally, they also need role models of both sexes in
their lives to help them determine their proper male or female roles.
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